But I Worked Hard Too
A Bloke’s Intro to the Patriarchy (Without the Lecture)
Let’s get something clear right off the bat:
This isn’t a shame piece.
This isn’t about blaming men for all the world’s problems.
It’s just for the curious ones. The ones who’ve heard the word patriarchy tossed around, maybe rolled their eyes a bit – but deep down, wonder what the fuss is actually about.
I’m not here to preach.
I’ve done dumb things.
I’ve said stuff I thought was funny at the time. I’ve laughed along with things I knew were off.
I’ve done things that I thought were borderline appropriate based on my upbringing – things I’m now deeply ashamed of.
So no, this isn’t about judgement. It’s about honesty.
It’s about taking stock of what we were taught, what we’ve carried into adulthood, and how we can do better – not for show, but for real.
I’ve worked hard my whole life and, like most blokes, I used to think success was just about effort, discipline, and grit. And yeah – it is. But there’s another layer. One that explains why the race hasn’t been run on even ground. Why some people have to sprint with weights strapped to their ankles, and still get told they’re just not trying hard enough.
So, What Is the Patriarchy?
It’s not a shadowy cabal of rich men in suits.
It’s more like the water we all swim in – the stuff we grew up with, watched in movies, learned from silence or sarcasm, jokes or locker rooms.
It’s a system that tends to favour men – not because all men are evil, but because the rules were written when women weren’t in the room.
And when people say patriarchy, they’re not accusing you of being the problem.
They’re asking you to see the system that shaped you – and to wonder what else might be true.
10 Real-World Examples (Not a Theory Lesson)
These aren’t abstract theories. They’re things we’ve seen or lived – even if we didn’t notice them at the time. And once you do start noticing, it’s hard to unsee.
1. “Just Study Hard and Compete”
We’ve all been told that success comes down to how hard you work. And that’s true – to a point. But what if your “fair competition” happens while you’re managing endometriosis or PCOS, struggling through fatigue, pain, brain fog, or wild hormonal swings? What if no one believed you because your pain didn’t show up on a scan? What if you had to push through every test and training session not just under pressure – but in pain, silently? That kind of invisible load turns a level playing field into a steep uphill climb.
2. Safety After Dark
We walk home late without thinking. AirPods in, hoodie up, maybe a shortcut through the park. For most women, that’s not even an option. Every night is a safety assessment: What street has better lighting? Should I call someone on the way? Will I be blamed for what I’m wearing if something happens? This isn’t just about fear – it shapes their world. It impacts what jobs they apply for, when they train, how they socialise, and where they live. Safety isn’t just a feeling – it’s a filter on freedom.
3. Default to Male
Look around and you’ll see it – workplaces, science labs, phone design, medical research – everything from office temperatures to protective gear was designed around the average male. It’s why crash test dummies, surgical tools, and even concussion research often fail women. When the system is built for one type of body and one way of thinking, everyone else gets asked to “adjust” – and that’s the patriarchy in action.
4. “Are You Even Serious About Work?”
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: even in 2025, women get quietly penalised for having a body that can make babies. They’re passed over for promotions because “she might go on mat leave,” or “she’s got young kids at home.” And even when they don’t have kids, people still assume they’re less committed. And yeah, plenty of men are incredible dads, take paternity leave, or leave work to do school pickup – but no one ever sees that as career-limiting. The system bends for us. It doubts them.
5. Unseen Labour Isn’t Just Chores
Yes, plenty of men are hands-on at home – cooking, cleaning, raising kids. But here’s what patriarchy hides: the stuff we don’t even notice she’s doing. Remembering birthdays. Packing lunches. Knowing when the dog’s worming is due. Managing everyone’s schedules. That’s the mental load. And it doesn’t stop at home. In the workplace or in sport, it’s the woman who smooths over the awkward tension in the room, organises the team dinner, books the physio appointments. It’s not just domestic – it’s emotional. And it’s constant.
6. Who Gets to Be the Expert?
Ever heard a woman explain something brilliantly, only for a man to re-explain it louder and get the credit? It happens more than we realise. In sport, how many times did we hear the female commentator or assistant coach say something insightful… but she was just there for “colour”? Not the tactics. Not the brains. We didn’t see women as experts because they weren’t framed that way. They weren’t the lead voice. And now that they are, the pushback is loud – not because they’re wrong, but because we weren’t raised to trust their authority. That’s not a character flaw – it’s learned bias.
7. Sport and Opportunity
We had Saturday sport, rep teams, pathways to pro leagues. Most girls didn’t. Not because they weren’t talented – but because no one set the system up for them. Their programs were underfunded, under-promoted, and often disappeared entirely by high school. Now we ask, “Why don’t they pull the same crowds?” Easy – the crowd was never invited. The patriarchy doesn’t just limit women’s access – it limits our belief in their potential.
8. Dress Codes and Judgement
We wear polos, hoodies, or one good suit for a decade. No stress. Women? They get judged for every outfit. Too casual? Unprofessional. Too stylish? Vain. Too covered up? Frumpy. Too much skin? Asking for it. There’s no winning. And in the workplace or media, the second a woman is confident and attractive, it’s open season. Comments, rumours, doubts. As if credibility and femininity can’t co-exist. That’s patriarchy. And it shows up on the sidelines, in clinics, in offices – everywhere.
9. “She Was Just Crazy”
We’ve all heard that. Maybe said it. But often “crazy” was code for: she called out your bullshit, and you didn’t like it. When women react to being ignored, manipulated, or dismissed – especially in relationships or workplaces – they’re labelled emotional, unstable, dramatic. Meanwhile, men who blow up are “passionate” or “just under pressure.” That double standard? It’s old, it’s lazy, and it’s got gaslighting written all over it.
10. Silent Modelling We Didn’t Even Clock
None of us needed to be told to act superior – we watched it. At home. At sport. In school. Who got interrupted mid-sentence? Who did all the quiet cleanup? Who got praised for their brain, and who just for their looks? Patriarchy wasn’t taught like a lesson – it was modelled in the background. Coaches ignored the girls’ team. Women were always the ones “helping” but never leading. They were in the photos, not the huddles. And when you see that model for long enough, it becomes normal.
This Isn’t the Whole Story – It’s the Start of a Better Conversation
I’ve been lucky. My life, my career – they’ve been shaped by hard work, yes. But also by systems I didn’t see were quietly steering things in my favour. Keeping me safe. Giving me the benefit of the doubt. Clearing the path before I even knew there was one. That’s not my fault – but it is something I’m responsible for now that I see it.
That’s why I care so deeply about creating safe spaces in women’s sport.
Not just so women feel protected – but so men can help in a way that doesn’t overpower.
So we can offer what we know, without dominating.
So we can show up, not to save the day, but to build trust and genuinely collaborate.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about awareness.
And it starts with conversations like this one – honest, awkward, curious, and clear.
You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be open.
Let’s get better together.
